What is Truly Within our Control?

Each time I've looked up a term which I felt sure I've coined, I’ve always discovered someone else has already taken credit for it. As an example, at one point, I felt that doctors don't always do everything they can to prolong a person’s life. A sensible phrase to describe that seemed to be “passive euthanasia.” I had not read the term anywhere or heard it before, so I figured it was my original thought. As it turns out, it wasn't. At the risk of not being the first to have had this thought, here is another. “In our lives, we can control nothing but ourselves, and we usually don't do a very good job of doing that.” Original or not, these are words I try to live by.

This statement is self-explanatory and this chapter could conclude here, but what fun would that be?

To test its authenticity, let us consider some of the things believe we control. We control the television. We control the temperature in the house. We control the car along its path on the highway. We control our children. Do we have control, or do we have the illusion of control? I suggest that it is an illusion. We live in a house of cards wherein we ignore the word, if.

In instances in which we rely on no one else, I will concede that we are in control of these things—if they exist. We do control the television, if the power company produces power, if the television remains operational, if stations continue to broadcast, if the DVD player continues to function and if the Internet service provider continues to provide services. Without everything that is outside of our control working as it should, we have no control.

Controlling the temperature in the house is within our power to control IF we continue to receive gas, if the firewood does not run out, if we continue to have electricity, if the furnace works.

We can control our car if another person does not hit us, if the car does not break down, if we do not run out of gas, if we remain lucid and able to drive. If all things remain as predicted, we can feel as though we are in control. Unfortunately, we operate in a complex world where we can guarantee nothing.

We control our children, if they listen to us. Once children realize we do not have any real control in their lives, we can be at their mercy. Anyone who has raised a teenager knows what this feels like. The ‘terrible twos’ did not become a cliché for nothing. While not every two-year-old will be rebellious, this saying is not without merit. Fortunately, most two-year-olds grow out of their bad behavior.

We are fortunate that we have so many others we can rely on. If the power goes out, we can call someone to fix it. When our car breaks down, we can call someone to tow it. Behind almost every luxury and necessity in our lives, there is someone behind the scenes willing to do something to help us get what we want or need. Under each of these circumstances, there is someone who is willing to say yes when they could choose to say no.

Will a store employee say no? Not likely. The employee who sold you that television and DVD player would probably choose to serve an angry, uncooperative customer rather than risk being fired. The point is, even if the employee wouldn't say no, the employee could say no.

To be in actual control, we need to be able to guarantee the outcome. Except when it comes to moving a hand, choosing the words that come out of our mouths, or taking a step, we have no guarantee of the outcome beyond that. We cannot control whether the lights in our house turn on after we flip the switch. We can only physically flip the switch.

Simple wisdom suggests that except for our own actions, nothing is truly within our control. It is a mystery why we behave as if anything is. When our spouses, friends, other drivers or service personnel do not operate within our expectations, we often experience a significant level of stress. It can be liberating to come to the understanding and acceptance of the fact that not one person is under any real obligation to obey us.